That was fun.

Just a fun little survey for no particular reason.

1. Where is your cell phone: LG Rumor 2

2. Your hair: My gut instinct was to type, “is blonde” but now I’ve realized that I am a short-haired brunette! Goodness gracious.

3. Your favorite food: is lasagna.

4. Your dream from last night: was really freaky. But I do remember a small child scratching his ears and pulling out tiny little white worms. Disgusting, right?

5. Your favorite drink: is Sun Drop.

6. Your dream/goal: is to live a stress-free, calm, happy life… a kid with my wonderful husband, a house with a front porch and a swing, and both of us to have really good-paying jobs that we both love. Is that too much to ask?

7. What room are you in: mine and Todd’s room.

8. What are your hobbies: painting, pottery, photography, journaling…

9. What is your fear: Being in medical debt for the rest of my life, my credit being ruined, and never being able to buy a house.

10. Where do you want to be in 6 years: Let’s see…around 2014? Wow, I will have been out of high school for 10 years.

11. Where were you last night: Home, but we did take Ben for a walk.

12. Something you are not: sane.

13. Muffins: are best when they are blueberry and moist.

14. Wish list items: iPhone, MacBook, Prius or VW Bug, house.

15. Where did you grow up: Emporia and Jarratt, Virginia

16. Last thing you did: two discussion boards for my online class, LIB 316 while watching an episode of The Office

17. What are you wearing: a purple & grey striped long sleeve shirt from Old Navy and a pair of blue jeans.

18. Your TV: is in the shed.

19. Your pets: are Ben, a husky-mix who is behind me on the bed, Woodstock, a yellow parrotlet who is in the kitchen, and Jake and Mazzy Moon, my cats who are currently living outside.

20. Your friends: are scattered all over the place and I miss them.

21. Your favorite store: is hard to decide… probably Target.

22. Your favorite color: is green.

The pot-hole ridden road of weightloss

About 10 months ago I had my gallbladder removal and repair surgeries when that was botched, and subsequently lost about 35 pounds. I think at my lightest I was around 160-165. I am also kind of happy to say that despite having extremely horrible genes, I have never been over 200 lbs. I guess you could consider 200 lbs my “extreme limit”… not to offend anyone who is over 200 lbs, I just feel like that at 5′3″, that is extremely heavy for me, and I refuse to let that first number be anything other than a 1.

I’ve always struggled with my weight, and I’ve never been “small”. Looking back at old pictures of myself, I always see someone much skinnier, however compared to other girls my age, I was always on the heavier side.

I think the smallest I’ve been was in high school when I was playing softball and running cross-country. Even then I was a size 5, and I was running over 3 miles a day. So, in order for me to lose, or even maintain a decent weight, I have to work extremely hard. I can’t just “eat right”, I actually have to exercise, almost every single day. As soon as  I STOP exercising, even if only a few days, the weight just pours back on.

My body is ridiculous. I’ve always wanted to be 120 lbs… or at least 130. Is that even possible for me? After the surgery, and all of the initial weight loss, I lost that weight only because I couldn’t eat for about 2 months, and was constantly throwing up anything I could stand to eat because the smell didn’t nauseate me so bad. So,  naturally, once I could eat normally again, I gained back a little bit of weight, but for the most part kept off the majority of it.

When we first moved to New Bern, Todd and I were walking Ben every single night, at least a mile or so, and taking him to the park once a week… and then we got bikes, and we were riding those on a regular basis as well. Then as soon as it starting to get colder, we stopped walking, and all the weight I’d lost just starting coming back on so fast! It’s ridiculous.

I hate this mess. Why can’t I just be a normal person who doesn’t have to work SO HARD just to maintain a weight.

Perhaps I should also admit that while we were exercising almost everyday, I was also taking an energy pill every morning, as well as drinking a sip of acai berry juice. So, when I stopped exercising, I stopped doing that too.

I just hate that it has to be so difficult. So, starting today I ate less, drank less soda, and we took Ben for his long walk. Even though it’s cold, I have to keep exercising because this is the worst time of year for gaining weight… Halloween candy, leftover Halloween candy (lol), Thanksgiving with two families, Christmas with two families, and so on and so forth…

 

Wish me luck.

I’m still around.

…somewhere.

But I just wanted to check in, because I’ve missed updating. Maybe you’ve missed me.

I feel like I’ve been really busy lately, with work and getting paperwork together constantly, faxing, phone calls, and basically just trying not to pull my hair out. And sleeping. My body definitely wants to start sleeping again. Blah.

We went home and visited friends and family this weekend, which was great. I missed everyone a lot… I miss home, but I really like New Bern. Everyone asks how long we plan to be here, or if we plan to stay here permanently or move back… Too many questions.

The FAFSA stuff is finished finally, however now my student loan lender needs me to fax them over name change documentation before they can apply my money. So I gotta get on that in the next few days. Whew. Blah. I’m just tired of it always being one thing after another. There is seriously always something. Gah. But I am getting so much better at not freaking out about things that would normally stress me out.

 

I am now addicted to The Office and am trying to watch the entire series from the beginning.

Yeah, this update was really lame. At least you know I’m alive, I suppose. I hope all of you are well!

 

I’m out at sea, and I cannot stop the tide.

*Deep Breath*

Sometimes this part of our life seems too painful or personal to write about, but then again I want to be able to look back on this. And I know there are other people going through similar situations who can relate to the difficulty of it all.

I feel like freedom is only just around the bend. My paychecks have finally started coming, and although they are only the smaller, training paychecks, the money is such a relief. It feels good to be able to pay most of the bills, even if I can’t handle all of them. It feels even better knowing that when my normal paychecks start coming in, we won’t have to borrow money anymore.

It feels even more better that once Todd finds a job, we’ll be able to have our own place again. I appreciate Sylvia letting us stay with her more than words can begin to say, and helping us get back on our feet… it’s the fact that we were ever off our feet in the first place that bothers me so much. I have always been such an independent person, and I hate depending on anyone for anything. This has been such a difficult, yet humbling experience.

The frustration I am currently feeling is palpable, bubbling at the surface in such a way that I want to go outside, clench my hair in my fists and just SCREAM. Good lord, can’t I just scream if I want to? I need a punching bag. I feel frustration in my fingers. Is this normal? I get so angry, so frustrated, that I feel like the only cure is to break my own fingers. Seriously, I’m a certified nutcase.

I’m so, so glad that I am getting this short break from school. I have taken on a bit of stress, with trying to get my FAFSA straight (on track with that), and re-applying for Medicaid/Disability. I found out that because I decided to abandon my last application out of guilt, shame, fear, whatever, that I missed out of the opportunity for them to help me with my medical bills from December until March ($86K). I’m a little confused, because I didn’t even know that I could get help with my medical bills until I got my letter of denial, saying that I could ask for a retroactive determination. When I went to ask for said retroactive Medicaid determination, thus help with bills, I was told that it was not possible.

The government makes no sense whatsoever.

Why wasn’t this information presented to me when I was accumulating these medical bills, put out of work, and dropped by my insurance? So many flaws in the system… I had no idea that there was this help out there for me. Even when I applied for temporary disability for being out of work, the application process was taking months and months, to the point where I couldn’t even handle the stress of the process! Phone calls, paper work, endless papers that needed to be faxed, endless information that I needed to gather, bank statements, bills, and I could barely handle it… and then they started scheduling doctor appointments. Dozens, it seems. This is when I backed out. I wish I hadn’t. I said to myself that I would rather be limited in the type of work I can do, and search long and hard for a job that will accommodate my problems (nothing physical or stressful) than go through this process and be a person on disability. I didn’t want to BE that person.

Certain jobs are out of the question for me now, through no fault of my own. I can’t lift anything, I have no stamina, I have no endurance, and I can’t handle high stress situations or customer service jobs due to anxiety, panic attacks, hyperventilating, tunnel vision and passing out. The stress from these types of jobs sends me into some sort of state of hypersomnia and depression where I can sleep 18+ hours a day. And that’s never enough.

However, I’m not that upset, because I didn’t know that Medicaid would’ve helped with my medical bills until it was too late. So yeah, I missed out on that opportunity, but what did I really lose if I didn’t even know I was losing it? At least that’s how I’m rationalizing it to myself. And I haven’t completely lost hope that I’ll get help somehow. There’s no reason for me to be upset. Even if Medicaid had helped, it probably wouldn’t have been a lot. And if I were to ever get my settlement, I would have had to pay back any money they helped with. It may even be better this way. Now, if I get a settlement, then I can just pay the bills off and not have to worry about paying back the government or Medicaid, because as of yet, they haven’t given me shit.

Another thing I have learned is there is a program for the “working disabled”. Basically I’ll still be able to work, but since my income is limited due to several factors, I can still get assistance, and most of all, Medicaid, which is what I really want. I don’t want “free money”, as some people assume of people… I just want health insurance without having to pop out a kid. I think I deserve that much.
I have too much pride to not work. I want to work… but I recognize that due to several factors, physical, emotional and mental, that my working and earning capacity is severely limited. Maybe this will change once I finish my Bachelor’s and I have more opportunities. The good thing is, I have now found a great job, where it isn’t exactly physical, except for playing and lifting a small child, and isn’t really stressful at all, unless you factor in a child’s future being in your hands.

I just have so much hope right now, despite everything that seems wrong and difficult and out of my hands. I feel like we are on the right track. It’s only been 3 months since we left Gaston. We may not have our own place by Christmas (like I had originally hoped), but it won’t be too long now.

And wanting and having our own place again… That’s another post entirely.

He loves his daddy.

Jake & Todd, originally uploaded by BLW Photography.

I miss my kitties so, so much.

Yes, they are right outside, and I go out there everyday to see them, feed/water them, clean their litter box, but I don’t get to have any quality time with them. They have to be on harnesses/leads so they won’t run away, get lost, eaten, stolen, whatever, so if I try to pull up a chair they get all tangled around my legs and the chair. If I unhook one and try to hold him/her in my lap, the other gets jealous and cries… and both their fat asses won’t fit in my lap!

It seems Jake has been taking it pretty hard lately, crying really loud when I walk away from the cage at night, and last night it just broke my heart, so I picked him up, sort of in the way you would pick up a huge load of laundry in your arms when you don’t have a basket, and carried his fat ass inside for a few hours.

HE.
LOVED.
IT.

and that is an understatement. I’ve never heard Jake make such sounds. I really don’t think you can call it purring. It was like a freight train, like a helicopter even, a machine gun, maybe. I can’t quite explain the sound of Jake’s pleasure purr… let’s just say I thought Sylvia would hear it from her bedroom because it was rattling the walls.

I don’t think she’d mind Jake being in our bedroom for a little visit, as long as we didn’t let him roam or let Simba see him. So, after a while I took Jake back outside, and he definitely did NOT want to go back in that crate. Usually he doesn’t put up much of a fuss, but after being spoiled all evening, he didn’t want to be out in the cold all night.

I’m not too worried about winter for a number of factors:
New Bern winters, or southern/eastern North Carolina winters in general aren’t that bad. It probably won’t even snow.
And, they have a very warm cat bed in their crate that they both like to get into and snuggle together.
And three, I have their crate wrapped tightly in a nice tarp. They are also right under and next to the shed.
And if things keep going as well as they have, perhaps we may even have our own place by Christmas. Or the New Year. Who knows?

Then again, just like we both hated moving in the middle of the summer heat, I can’t imagine doing it in the dead of winter is going to feel much better. Eh. Life is such a fickle bitch…

Inappropriate

Inappropriate, originally uploaded by BLW Photography.

I love my husband.

SERIOUSLY accomplished!

I’m so happy to have just finished a 17 page research paper and submitted it early without having to stay up all night. I feel pretty confident that I did a good job on it, even with only putting in serious work on it for 2 days. I seriously need to stop procrastinating. I’m just so damn good at it! SERIOUSLY!

I’m also very glad that I don’t have to start another class tomorrow. I already have the textbook, but I get a nice 2-week break to get my Financial Aid in order… which we so desperately need, but since everything got whacked up and they are now making me file as a dependent student, I have to use my parent’s tax information… for the first time since I was 18. It’s messed up, but luckily, that will all change when Todd and I file our taxes together next year, which is right around the corner. I am right at the age cut-off, so it got tricky because I messed up and filed my FAFSA before we got married, thinking there was a March 1st deadline when there wasn’t… so after we got married on April 18th, I logged in and made the changes, but apparently that’s one change you can’t make. After months of being told everything would be fine and work out, here we are: 6 months later and just now getting the FAFSA finished. Maybe.

The whole point being the next 2 weeks are going to be me seriously hunkering down and trying to get things in order. I hate paperwork, but let’s get it over with. This week I am going to fix that FAFSA and I am going to APPLY FOR MEDICAID. Yes, I am shouting it from the roof tops! At first I was a little embarrassed, because I hate depending on anyone for anything, but now I am kind of relieved and even excited… Everyone should have the right to go to the doctor, no matter what their socioeconomic status. I don’t believe a person should have to pay for health. I think it should be our right as American citizens.

So, my fingers are crossed, and I’m jumping in, hoping everything is going to work out.
I am full of hope and high expectations.

In closing, a lesson learned: Don’t apologize when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Don’t apologize for someone else’s shortcomings or insecurities.
Just be confident in being who you are, and saying what you feel.
(Because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind! – Dr. Suess.)

Is a productive cough really productive if it hinders productivity?

Cough cough. Cough. Cough cough. Cough cough. Cough. COUGH. Cough.

Cough cough. Cough cough cough.

If you type the word cough too many times, or look at it for too long, it really stops looking like an actual word. Where does the “ph” or “f” sound come from when we say “cauff” when it’s written “cough”.

Anyway, I’m sick.

And trying to start and finish a stupid research paper before tomorrow night at midnight. I suck so much at life.

PS – After this class I get a much needed 2 week break. I haven’t had a break from school since I started over a year ago except when I was in the hospital. And I had to fight for that one! That is the one bad thing about going to school online. While it may be flexible, there are no holidays, it’s just class after class after class after class… no break in between. I turn in a research paper Monday night after a 5 week session, start the next class that Tuesday morning. Can’t wait for the break, even if it’s only so I can get my FAFSA stuff straightened out.
I will also take this “time off” to get me and Todd on some Medicaid. I hope it all works out.
Also, more good news! Todd had an interview Friday with a neat little paper in Pamlico county, and he calls tomorrow to finalize some things. I’ll update with more info as I have it, but it seems like the hunt is finally over.

Who knew getting back on your feet could be so damn hard? We are so lucky to have had family during this time. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for people who are completely on their own with no where or no one to turn to.

I can’t wait to look back on these entries and realize how far we’ve come.

IT’LL BE OK. I PROMISE.

photo via daydream lily, by chrissie white

Wishing someone would say this to me…

…so I don’t have to keep constantly saying it to myself.

The system.

It’s felt weird being back in the “work force” but mostly because this isn’t a typical job. But I really, really like it. But after being unemployed since January, with only a brief 2 week long stint of employment with a bunch of whack-jobs (yeah, I said it), it’s hard to get back in the swing of things. The best part is only working 3 hours a day, and for those 3 hours I get to hang out and play with neat kids, while helping shape his future. Hopefully for the better. I’m really enjoying it, and I think this is something I can only get better at.  I wish I had more to say, but you know, “privacy rules” and stuff.

I really need to go the dentist. One of my fillings fell out and I had what started as a small chip, so I wasn’t that worried about it and just kept brushing it diligently, and the chip just keeps getting bigger. So, since my job unfortunately doesn’t provide health insurance we need to go try to apply for Medicare/Medicaid, whichever one it is for losers like me, because apparently they also provide dental care! I also need an eye exam for new glasses and contacts (since working with kids ultimately means my glasses will probably get broken) and I need to go to the chiropractor because in May of 2008 I fell off a horse and I have a pinched nerve and when I lay on my side my entire hip goes numb. And sometimes, if I sit the wrong way, my legs and toes go numb. It really stinks.

You know, when you can’t afford to buy  health insurance and your job doesn’t provide it, and there’s not a reasonably priced PUBLIC OPTION because the republicans won’t allow it, normal, educated hard-working citizens such as myself have to apply for social services such as Medicaid. And you know what sucks? I don’t care. It’s the stigma associated with doing such a thing that pisses me off the most. I have needed to apply for this service for several months, and have kept finding reasons to put it off, but I have recently found out that Medicaid will PERHAPS pay for 3 months worth of medical bills from the date that I first applied for disability, which was March 25th. Three months before that was December 25th — which was before my surgery. Which means if I go ahead and apply, I might be able to get some help with my $84,236.57 worth of medical debt that is no fault of my own.
(By the way, I decided to not go forth with the disability, even though I was out of work because of my surgery, because it was just too much work, too stressful, and was causing me more physical distress from trying to get all of the paperwork together… but most of all, I wanted to get back out there, because I knew I needed to and that if I found the right job, I wouldn’t need to do physical labor and therefore wouldn’t technically be disabled. And there are so many people out there that need disability and don’t get it… and on the other hand, there are so many people out there who GET disability who seriously DO NOT need it. Even though I felt that I did need some help for those months where I was unemployed, the government shouldn’t have to pay for what happened to me. The doctor who injured me should have to pay.)

So, screw the stereotypes and the people who perpetuate them by constantly accusing people of abusing the system, making people who really need the help hesitate to use it for fear of being judged. Screw you.

On an unrelated note:

Have you ever been scrolling down your Facebook feed and see the name/picture of someone and you have absolutely no idea who they are? (I’m one of thosepeople who for the most part, only adds people I actually know.) Mostly it happens when someone gets married and changes their display name without keeping their maiden name in there for a while to at least WARM ME UP TO THE IDEA before you completely drop it. Damn, yo. Have some consideration so I don’t have to stalk your page and stuff to figure out who you are.